"Questioning", Resolving Conflict Between Equals
The best tool you have to resolve conflict is forgiveness, asking for it, and extending it. However, a conversation about the conflict can be crucial to ensuring healthy communication the next time a conflict arises in the relationship. These questions are written with the intention of healing the relationship, processing the conflict, and growing together. These questions are meant to be visited in the case of a disagreement, minor offense, or miscommunication. These questions are most effective when utilized to resolve conflict that prompted or resulted in an emotional reaction. Your ability to listen to the answers to these questions and apply them to the relationship can determine its sustainability. These questions can be applied across relationships between equals: Couples, Coworkers, Friends, Siblings, Roommates, Teammates, etc. It can be helpful to invite a trusted leader in to mediate some of these conversations. In cases of a major offense, abuse, violence, and sin, seek the help of the medical professionals and/or law enforcement best suited for your situation.
Approaching this conversation with the intention to resolve and understand is key. Remember and remind the person you are working through this with that, “We are on the same team”. In a conversation like this, remember to speak for yourself, not for your team member. If you feel an emotional reaction arise when talking through these questions, do not ignore it. Acknowledge the emotion and create the space to approach it with curiosity. Simply saying, “what you just said sparks anger in me because…” or “I feel annoyed when…” will allow the conversation to move past reactivity and into collaboration. That is the goal of resolution: Collaboration. Create space for your partner to feel those feelings. Allow yourself to process any emotions that arise. Meet them with acceptance, not judgment. Open up about your experience and take responsibility for your emotions and for your actions.
1. Tell me about your experience with the conflict we had. Explain how this conflict made you feel. Describe one thing you would like to happen as a result of this conflict.
This is a “TED” question: Tell, Explain, Describe. It is important to ask each part of this question to gain a rounded understanding of the person’s perspective in the conflict. Understand that the way they experienced the situation is guaranteed to be different from yours. You may not agree with or like what they have to say, that is okay. Listening to their story and noticing the differences is where you will find resolve.
2. What is something I could have done or said differently in this conflict?
Follow up: What about our conflict was emotionally triggering for you? Are there any words, phrases, or ideas that came up you would like to specifically address?
Even if there is something obvious that sparked the conflict, ask this question. There may be a piece of the puzzle you are missing. There is always room for improvement. Seeking this feedback is for your personal growth. The intent of this question is to understand how to effectively communicate with a person based on their unique experience.
3. What can I do to better support you in these situations?
Follow up: Is there a time you have felt supported by me? Are there any ways I have let you down that I may not be aware of? What strength of mine do you rely on in our relationship? What strength of yours can I rely on in our relationship? What is something practical I can do to make you feel supported?
Feeling supported is critical to strong relationships. This goes back to the idea that “we are on the same team”. Being on a team is not just about your role, but how you support your team members to make an effective move. Getting a practical step from their perspective can help you better work together. Do not treat them how you want to be treated, treat them how they want to be treated.
4. What is an expectation you have for me in our relationship?
Follow up: Have I disappointed you in anyway that I may not be aware of? What is an unfair expectation you have had for me in the past? What is a way I have exceeded your expectations?
Uncommunicated expectations have the power to destroy relationships. Discovering what someone expects of you can help understand what needs to be invested to maintain the relationship. Learn how to calibrate your expectations for people in order to create healthy boundaries in the relationship. It is important to take account of the relationships in your life and decide the it is time to invest and when it is time to walk away.
